Monday, November 16, 2009

Woman's strength or woman's weakness? (devoted to a friend)

I left. It turned out to be not hard at all. The security officer opened the door and I ran out, metal sole of my heels on the wet asphalt echoing. I left smoke-filled club and your life.

Taxi stopped right away.
“Please don’t smoke in the car, dear”- taxi driver turned back, but when he saw my red eyes, tears rolling down my face…said nothing more; taxi silently drove me into new life, life without you…

I cried…because of you, because of love, love to you; I was afraid to show my love, you were afraid to let me get closer to you; probably we are both too arrogant and egoistic.

How many times we wanted to share, tell how we felt, but never could…We would turn away from each other if there was a need for explanation…for words. Would turn around and sleep, when it felt like the whole universe was begging us to break the silence…But we resisted, alienated each other.
We were side by side, but not together. We looked at the stars, making the same wishes, wishing for love when it was right there, so close, right on our fingertips, but we couldn’t notice…or didn’t want to. We used to sleep under the same music thinking of magic that was all around us- up in the air…but we waved it away, like an irksome fly.

You’ll probably get drunk today and talk that girl in leopard dress to go home with you; true, she is not like me, she won’t get into your nerves demanding attention, she won’t reproach you because of the dirty room or leftover food on the table. She’ll get dressed in the morning and leave, won’t even leave a phone number.

You’ll wake up all alone, go to the bathroom and wash away all the dirt of yourself.
You’ll feel disgusted by yourself, but you chose it all yourself…
You’ll go to the kitchen; the half empty bottle of champagne will make you feel sick again.

Night was great, but for some reason you don’t even remember her name and you are just more filled with loathing, and the only thing you can think of is my yesterdays “I am leaving, I am not needed here”.
But you didn’t even try to stop me. You had more important things to do.
You’ll drink up all the champagne in a hope that all the memories will go away, so that tears that keep filling your eyes can disappear, you’ll go to the balcony and smoke…our dialogues, our moments, “we” in your mind.

-You are an angel. I want an angel wife…
-Ha-ha! Well…I like your last name too…so when should I expect the proposal?

-Mmmm…your mom is a great cook.
-She’ll teach you too when the time comes.

-You are a perfect couple…Have been dating for a long time?
-Oh no, we are not dating. We are just friends.

Friends. What a big word. We even started believing it ourselves. We are friends. But for some reason, it always hurt so badly when I saw you with someone else. But I learned to smile, even when I felt like crying. You too, pretended to be indifferent to my romances; but you would get lost from my life each time I dated someone, wouldn’t answer my calls until a text from me: “I am feeling terrible. He turned out to be an awful swine.”
And we would continue being friends again.

Yes, dear, there are things to think about.
You’ll walk through the apartment trying to tidy up and think of my first visit.
-Nice apartment, but could have been bigger…
-Well, it’s big enough for two of us…
-Sure it is!
-Are we moving in?

Joked around and that’s it, but none of us forgot the conversation …You are probably thinking now…that you lost someone valuable, dear to you...Or is there still a chance to fix everything? Sure there is! But you’ll get scared again and leave everything as it is…You’ll let me go, like you did yesterday at the club.

What about me? I’ll call that guy- the other one that doesn’t love me at all…but for some reason he texts me more often than you do. Parties, girlfriends, and that guy with green eyes will help me forget you for few days. Green eyes…they don’t cure, they are just painkillers…there is no cure from you.

I’ve received so many calls since the morning. Mom, friends, colleagues, just not you. There is nothing from you. I guess you decided to let me go.

But you know…a year will pass, maybe two…It’ll be November again, like now. People will hide inside big warm coats, will cover their faces with hats and scarves, and walk quickly through the city in a rush to get home.

But in one of those days, we’ll meet again somewhere in the city…I’ll be in a hurry to get to the movie, or an important date, with bright eyes, long, layered hair and a light coat. Probably, I’ll be carrying a small bag, or maybe a big one with lots of unneeded things, and I’ll be wearing shoes on heels of course…you like it when I am on high heels…

You…you’ll be the same as now - stylish jeans, smiling eyes…You’ll be walking slowly, hands in your pockets, looking down. I will notice you in the crowd right away. Probably you’ll feel my stare on you….because you’ll turn and look at me….smile…walk quickly towards me. You’ll hug me and…

Well, that’s when the world will crash for me.

1 comment:

  1. will tear us apart, again. good song for you to listen to right now. sorry to hear about your drama. beautiful though, somehow.