Thursday, January 28, 2010

When people become too loud, when things become too much...

It is so interesting how exactly the same things can be accepted in totally different ways, can be seen in totally different colors depending on the mood you are in...

I was leaving work late as always yesterday; happily, as I had finished everything I had for the day and had exchanged a few jokes with friends before I left the office.  It was snowing- first snow in Baku.  As white, clean, cold snowflakes coming down the sky reached my skin it felt like the touch of angel wings...  so refreshing, full of tenderness and innocence.  I wanted to go back to my childhool when my only concern were the naughty boys from neighbourhood that would run after me throwing the snowballs and yelling their "flirts" in child language :) Back to childhood...sounds so romantic, yet so impossible.  Things would be much different if I could go back to those times and change I go, dreaming again.

Another day at work today, another evening...however things feel much different now.  Instead of going back to my childhood I want to be far from today and my past, I want to be far in future, away from everyone and everything I know....even out of my own skin possibly. 

What happened? Nothing at all.  Has someone I know fallen and broken a bone? Have I gotten pay-cut at work? Has my boyfriend broken up with me? Has my family rejected me? No, none of this.  Nothing has happened WITH me.  It's the things that happen AROUND me that bother me so much sometimes. 

When I was at school, the teacher had given us homework- to write an essay about who we wanted to be as grown-ups. I had written that I wanted to be "happy" when I grew up.  Teacher didn't accept my essay and said I hadn't completed the task as ordered. 

Now I look at myself and ask: Have I completed my task? Am I a Happy person? and the answer hurts when I understand that I am not.  They say I have achieved so much at my age; there are so many people that look up to me and want to be just like me...if I could be genuine with them and tell them how hard it is to pretend to be perfect all the hard it is to smile when your heart is broken into pieces.  And I have found out, I am a good actess too.  Today, when I was having one of the worst days, a coworker commented- "Arlene (let it be my secret name) is shining with happines as always today".  If they only knew...

Whatever they say, whatever theorems they prove, happiness is not in having a lot of money or a lot of friends or bunch of luxury cars and expensive clothing.  Happiness is when you can say and do whatever you want and you know people around you will understand and love you no matter what...even if you are not "perfect".

Good-bye for now...hope tomorrow is a "happier" day :)